Pulling away

I feel you pulling away.

So I beat you to the punch

Every. Time.

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I’m waiting

For the day someone gives a fuck about me.

No one gives a fuck about me.

They all died.

Brutal fucking honesty

Beautiful oblivion

Lately I’ve been making a lot of choices. Choices that I wouldnt have made in the past decade.

I’ve been saying yes to more even when my gut and the little monster in my head pulls me to say no….to stay safe. I’ve been setting realistic goals. And surprise, I’ve even been following through. My heart has been happy for once. For now.

But even then self doubt and intrusive thoughts sink in. I may as well name this entire blog intrusive thoughts. Sharing them here is the only way I can release them without feeling judged. Communication has become so difficult for me. On the one hand I’m better at handling things directly because I just don’t have the patience. Life is short not every awkward convo has to be a drama. In those moments I’m proud of myself. But the doormat still lives. I’ve forgotten how to communicate feelings because it’s just been so long. The muscle is simply out of practice. Talk I can do, vulnerability I’m learning is tough for me. For some reason my head tells me it’s better to keep it to myself. Don’t annoy or burden anybody with some feely shit. You’ll scare them away.

Kind of ridiculous, considering what an emotional deep feeler I am. And often I am only doing myself a disservice by keeping it in. Cutting myself off from people who maybe don’t want to hear it, but maybe they do. Maybe I will actually get what I want or make my point if I could open up just a little. No relationships in mind, just in general.

Middle ground has always been so difficult for me. I’m trying not to be reactive, trying to be more thoughtful. But then I end up thinking my way into the beautiful oblivion of aloneness.

It’s a weird cycle. I don’t wish to be alone, but I do love it. I only wish to have people in my life to be alone with.. Those gems you can sit in sweet silence with, because they get it. They just do.True connection.

I find myself wondering have I said too much? I’m kind of now seeing it could actually be too little. People aren’t mind readers.

I must remember that.

How do you get by without medication?

I don’t do meds. I do cbd which I actually feel helps but I don’t take anything and I don’t do therapy. I fucking self help.

It’s hard and I don’t really recommend it. But here is a picture for you. I have books and books of these. It breaks my heart to look at. All the agony and suffering I see in the writing. Why do I have to work so hard just to live?

This is truly baring my soul.

Oh dear.

Oh dear little one what are you thinking?

I want to be good to myself but I just can’t help it.

I make stupid decisions for the gratification.

Temporarily gratifying and then I go on feeling even deader than before.

I don’t feel bad when I should I don’t feel good when I should.

I just don’t even feel.