Growing

Growth is such a strange thing. It’s awesome because it’s a beautiful necessary in life. But when we grow we grow apart. Sometimes we don’t really grow apart we just bloom so grandly…in this direction.

Not everybody grows that way. Holding on is detrimental but not everyone can accept this. Sometimes we convince ourselves we can grow too we can change we can go that way!

I’ve come to the realization that… no.

I hate to leave you behind but I’m just not really growing that way.

I wish you’d understand

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Christmas blues

Generally, overall this year I’ve felt better than in a long time. But those holiday blues. They hit hard. Every year.

I have no family. They were taken from me in an instant. Christmas was huge and beautiful. It was cozy and I never felt so safe. I loved being a big kid going through my stocking. Most of all I just loved being with them. Mom in her pajamas…dad like a little boy so lit up. Their anniversary was Christmas Eve. So they always had one big special gift before the rest of us. It was just so special. So “home”.

Now I am dragged to other people’s family’s. Unless you’re also an “adult orphan” you have no idea what that feels like. It’s not that we don’t like your family. We WANT to enjoy our time. We WANT to feel a part of. But we never will. Being with others on the holidays only seems to magnify how badly I want my family.

I wish others could take a minute to consider and understand this. I’ve made my own quiet traditions which I LOVE but somehow there is still this expectation. I don’t have anywhere to go so OF COURSE I would be so lucky to join you and a shitload of people I don’t really know but let’s smile and pretend we aren’t dying inside for a few hours.

It’s not always so bad…it’s gotten better but I guess I just wanted to get this out. Give you some perspective from an insider who still suffers from the holiday blues.

I wish people could understand.

I did it

I fucking did it. That is all.

Training your brain to speak differently to yourself is no fucking easy task. But I made it through.

Now, new goals new struggles and new long internal dialogues I’m sure.

Work in progress but that’s ok

Practice makes almost perfect

Sometime in between hopeless and desperate, my narrative started to shift in my head.

EVERYONE would say how I needed to give myself a break.

So not easy. But I kept trying. I keep trying. This is daily maintenance that I HAVE to accept will just be a part of life living with crippling depression and anxiety. Get lazy? Have a bad day.

It gets a little easier though. It has for me anyways. I’m still a flustered mess but changing the stories I tell myself have made a world of difference.

Changing the I cant’s and the self bashing into

Everything’s going to be okay.

I literally have to put my hand over my heart and tell myself I’ve got you. I’m here to protect you. It’s gunna be fine.

I’m still cynical as my ever favorite Daria, but after doing this SO MANY MORNINGS and sometimes throughout the day, I’m starting to believe it. And in turn the world around me is getting just a little easier to deal with. Thank god.

I’ve got a long way to go. There’s not just a cure, but I thought I’d offer a little hope to anyone who reads or cares.

Try it. Put your hand over your heart and tell it you are here to protect it. And whatever else you may want or need to say.

Can’t hurt 🤷🏻‍♀️

You lived.

Happy Father’s Day dad.

I miss you so much I hate to even think about you or look at your picture. Silly it’s been almost 6 years and my heart is still completely broken.

I miss you and mom. And it fucking hurts.

The hard times are just 100x harder without you.

You weren’t a dream. I had you for twenty something years which went like a flash and then you were gone. But you lived. You made me laugh and smile so much. You broke my heart, but I wouldn’t want anyone else to have been my father.

It’s so complicated, but I will always love you and never stop missing you